The World by Anthea

Self-discovery never ends

Tuesday, October 21, 2014 • 12:13 AM • 0 comments

For all of my life, ever since childhood up to adulthood, I have been told to my face numerous times that I am too sensitive.

And with that transpires a string of consequential outcomes that has shaped the way I deal and cope with my emotions.

Every time I am told that I am too sensitive, I get the message that

What I feel is irrational, needless, invalid, uncalled for
I shouldn’t feel what I feel (because I’m just being too sensitive)
I should just suck it up and dismiss these feelings

And I realize, this has compounded so much over the years that it has become completely unhealthy. It has caused me to adopt a very unhealthy coping mechanism, and that is emotional eating (but thank God I have toned this down a lot). “Yes, I’m sad. Yes I’m angry. VERY angry. Yes I’m hurt. Yes I’m depressed. But I’m not acknowledging it. I’m shutting it all down. Because it’s nothing, I’m just being too sensitive. I will make myself feel better and make it all go away with food that makes me happy”. Yes, even if I actually do have a LEGITIMATE and ABSOLUTELY VALID reason to feel what I feel, I tell myself that it is nothing and it will go away. This is not healthy.

When it comes to relationships with those who are close to me, I find it extremely difficult to communicate my feelings of disappointment, anger, sadness, etc all due to the very reason that I have become a non-confrontational person who is so afraid of conflict, who doesn’t know how to effectively deal and cope with feelings that arise out of conflict. Conflict just makes me feel extremely anxious to the point that I can lose my appetite and feel my immune system weakening (no I am not being dramatic here). I did not grow up in an environment where it is safe to express your emotions, especially when you’re hurt, angry, mad or upset. Again, this is not healthy. At the end of the day, I bottle all my feelings up. I seethe in resentment either consciously or unknowingly. And I know that I only hurt myself by doing this.

This I have always known. And have been trying so hard to change. But I have been led to a whole new revelation.

I do not practice self-compassion.

When self-compassion is literally THE MOST IMPORTANT THING that you ever have to do, because it affects every other aspect of your life, ESPECIALLY in how you connect with others, how you develop and cultivate relationships, and also the building of self-confidence...the things that fuel the quality of the life you live and make you live your potential. It all starts with self-compassion. Loving yourself, and believing that you are worthy and full of potential...(please, this is not to be confused with and mistaken for narcissism).

The toughest person on me is indeed, my very own self. When things are less than ideal or when failures occur, it is extra hard for me because I associate my own failures as myself being useless and never good enough, instead of having a healthy mind set about it i.e failure is natural in the path to success/it doesn’t always have to be perfect.

A self-compassionate person will never do this to themselves.

A self-compassionate person is kind, gentle and loving to themselves.

A self-compassionate person DOES NOT INVALIDATE their own feelings.

I believe that this lack of self-compassion stems from the way I have been treated when I was being brought up, and being told that I am too sensitive, is a huge part of it. It has led me to reject a part of myself. And rejecting yourself is obviously not being compassionate with yourself....

Before I stray too far from what I am trying to put across, what I am saying is… with this revelation in mind, I NEED TO PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION.

And I am going to start by developing a healthier coping mechanism for my emotions. The first step to that, is to tell myself that what I feel is still what I feel, and I should just accept it, and embrace every single bit of it, regardless of whether I have a valid reason for it or not, regardless of whether PEOPLE THINK I’M OVERREACTING or whether they think they are INVALID.

I don’t think having feelings, whatever it may transpire from, be it a big or small petty issue, is bad. Or shameful. It only becomes a problem when you let it consume you, or when you act out in such a way that it causes a negative impact to the ones around you. So fucking what if you are sensitive? Your feelings are not invalid. Don’t let people tell you otherwise. Stand up for yourself. Just have a healthy means of dealing with it.

So I am telling myself, it is okay to be emotional. It is part of who you are. And self-compassion is all about accepting who you are. Everything! Your strong points….and all the broken parts of yourself. Just don’t let it be a destructive force of detriment to your life and your relationships.

Project self-compassion: ACTIVATED!

-Anthea ❤