Of life plans & dreams
Sunday, March 16, 2014 • 2:28 AM • 0 comments
I am feeling stuck. & stagnant. & the most incredibly shameful part about this is despite my awareness of it I am not doing anything to un-stuck myself in this life. I feel so useless. I think I've been idle for quite enough now and it is kind of DRIVING ME NUTS.
But I feel held back. Absolutely held back. Cause I'm terrified. I'm terrified of even dipping my toe in the real world. of not being able to handle the tempests of it all. And I know I'll never be ready. I JUST HAVE TO DO IT. Ready or not...I just have to STRIKE and GO FOR IT.
I dream so badly of being a woman who is completely capable of taking care of herself & who isn't dependent on anyone. I have decided that right now in my life that I don't really care anymore what it is I do for a living, as long as I can very damn well take care of myself. This is what I am going to work towards. I swear. To be strong and independent!
Short term plan:
1. Get driver's license
2. Get job (And hope to God that I actually get a good one that allows me to use my strengths! and thus perform better)
On a more long-term plan:
3. Get car (dad did say he'll help me out on this one)
4. Work work work and save up (not sure how long this is gonna take, but years, definitely hahaha)
5. Move out of this house
6. Possibly emigrate
7. Possibly get married? Hahahaha
[Note: Just in case you find this contradictory, getting married does not imply being dependent. & being independent does not imply being single or unattached. Whether you agree or not, it is my personal core belief that you can be a strong independent woman even when you are attached/married. I believe partners are there to enhance your life and who you are. They are there to support you, to help you stay motivated in keeping your grind on, to give you a reason for living, to make things a little easier so you can press on and fight through this harsh piece of shit called life. But not for you to 100% depend on that you can't function on your own without them. Especially in financial aspects]
Ultimately I believe in living a life of exponential excellence (this is why my current life situation is kind of making me feel extremely inadequate, suggesting that I'm useless and incapable). But I believe these feelings of inadequacy are here to actually push and propel myself out there and actually make things happen. I cannot stand living like this anymore. I cannot accept mediocrity.
I really hope I will get to a point in my life where I wouldn't feel so ashamed of myself. At least then I can probably make my parents proud of me too. And for once not feel like a disappointment to them.
-Anthea ❤
