I had a meltdown & I'm not even PMS-ing
Friday, March 14, 2014 • 2:30 AM • 0 comments
A wave of emotions came upon me today as a certain incident triggered some of my deepest, most suppressed feelings to rise to the surface.
The worst feeling in the world is feeling like a disappointment and breaking the heart of the parent you know you love most. I've always been a daddy's girl. Even though it may not seem like that now since I'm much closer to mum, but truly I am a daddy's girl at heart. Like I've mentioned many times before, as a little girl dad was my ENTIRE universe. I would never let go of dad. Dad was everything to me.
Which is why if you ask me who has hurt me the most in my life, it would be my dad. Cause my dad is the one whom I have really truly loved with all of my heart as a little girl.
But I still love my dad. Even though I may not be consciously aware of it as I may be clouded by so much resentment compounded over the years, the truth is I love my dad. Whether or not I acknowledge it. It is true.
I pretend not to care. Because part of not caring includes not getting hurt. But in truth, I care. I CARE SO MUCH.
In all honesty, there is a barrier between my dad and I right now.
I pretend that it isn't a big deal.
But today I realize that it actually is.
It is a communication-breakdown in the making.
And that scares me.
Because what if one day it will all be too late? What if my dad suddenly leaves this life and there wasn't a chance for me to make amends? To at least try and make things better? What if I live guilt-stricken for the rest of my life, thinking about how I should have spent more time with dad? and be more loving and caring? How I should have tried to break down this barrier? How I should have been a better daughter, so he could've been happier?
My dad has done so much for me.
And it is along these string of thoughts.. that I cried.
It's like lifting an entire rug and seeing all the hideous dirt I've been shoving under it.
I felt the pain and the reality that I have been numbing all this while.
I felt the pain and the reality that I have been numbing all this while.
-Anthea ❤
