Into the twilight: Finishing University
Friday, June 7, 2013 • 2:44 AM • 3 comments
7.50am, 5th June 2013 – the morning air was chill. In somewhat hurried steps I made my way to what would be, one of the last tutorials I would ever attend as an undergraduate, the 2nd last to be precise. Prior to this the reality that I will be leaving university soon has been extremely surreal, like...is this really happening? This must be a dream. Somebody pinch me.
However
today as I walked to class I finally felt how real it was. I found myself
absorbing this certain reality like a wet sponge – I felt it seeping into every
bit of my conscious mind, into this very waking moment, infusing into my
soul...I was being pinched. And suddenly my heart swelled with emotion, a
feeling which I can’t quite describe but it did seem to essentially be a
mixture of both melancholy and nostalgia – I wanted to tear up a little but
held it all back. During this very moment whilst walking past the library my
mind transported me back to the time when I stepped on these very grounds for
the first time; I was very much younger, full of excitement and hope, the zeal
and vigor to embrace and take on everything that uni had to offer...(however it was unbeknownst to me that later on I would feel so damn jaded, only halfway through uni
haha). I realized that this certain route, which I take almost every day to get
to the School of Business, still looks exactly the same after all these years.
I have frequented this route probably hundreds upon thousands of times
throughout my time here, it has become something so very familiar...almost akin to a home. but soon it will all reduce evanescently into a vague distant memory.
It
is quite paradoxical how I feel even remotely sad about leaving, considering
the fact that i’ve been wanting and waiting in so much agony and desperation to
get out of this place for an extremely long time now. Quite simply for the fact
that I’ve never really accepted this place wholeheartedly. I have always thought
that being here was synonymous to being in a hell hole...I know, what a strong
thing to say.
“This is not what I want to do, this is
not where I want to be, this is not how it is supposed to be”, I
have fervently engrained this “mantra”, this very toxic mantra might I add, into my subconscious mind during the
first couple of years of uni. I was angry. very angry. resentful. at so many
things. I believe that the underlying root cause of all this pent-up resentment
was the fact that I wasn't allowed to make major life decisions on my own and
had everything set out for me with absolutely no regards as to whether I was in
favor of it or not. It’s like I had no say in my own life. At the time I just
thought that things would've been better, that there would be less pain and
struggle, had I been allowed to trudge the path that would propel myself into
making my dreams and living my passion a reality. Bottom-line: I hated commerce with every gut
and it was eating me up inside.
But
I have learned a lot of things in the process, in the pursuit of this degree,
in this certain life phase. You do grow and start to be a bit more rational
about things. I am not that angry anymore and I've learned to accept and let go
a little bit – sure I don’t fancy this place and I find what I do a complete
utter drag -- a seemingly shameful waste of energy and youth. but this is my
reality and my vocation now therefore I have to do what I have to do. This is
where I learned about commitment – to commit is to carry through even though
you sure as hell do not feel like doing it at all, and that you can’t just give
up and flake out just because it is hard and proves to be nothing but a source
of total discomfort. I learned to press on and fight through. I learned about responsibility how every decision you make accounts for almost everything that
happens in your life and you cannot solely put the blame on external entities.
You are accountable for your own actions and decisions and the situations that
subsequently transpire from that. You are responsible for your own life.
Epiphany
after epiphany, things start to slowly unravel, bit by bit..and you’re a step
closer to understanding completely why we go through the things we go through, and
how you can now see that this wasn't a total waste of time and that this could
very possibly be part of your sacred purpose, though you’re not so sure what exactly
that is at this point. You hold on to the belief that each little, seemingly
irrelevant moment you experience will prove its significance over time, that each
moment is a defining one, an intricate weave that ultimately sews and beholds a
whole tapestry that represents your ultimate purpose, a revelation of how
independent events that occur your life are actually correlated to one another.
It’s just that you don’t see it now.
You
go through setbacks, pain.. I've learned what it’s like to fail. In my first
year I failed a university subject for the very first time in my life, which
came as a complete utter shock that I literally went numb and felt deeply
affected for weeks. I wasn't used to failure at all, it was a bitter pill to
swallow, a bruise to the ego..it was falling down on a road and getting my
knees skinned and scraped against rough, abrasive tar. It was essentially a foreign
object that intrusively broke through all lines of defense; I felt vulnerable, shot
down. I almost felt worthless.
However I emerged out of it all and tried to take a positive spin on it; I’ve
learned that there is no such thing as being 100% invincible and failure-proof.
Yes even if you genuinely thought you were. I’ve learned that above everything,
arrogance will not get you anywhere and that humility is important in anything and
everything that you do and pursue. Yes, it has been extremely, extremely
humbling and boy have I really been straightened out. Haha. I believe that failure was one of the main lessons of
my journey here. With that, it astounds me how a lot of people in general are so extremely caught
up in having everything run smoothly that if their plans fail they think their
world will crumble miserably into fragmented smithereens. I mean, CHILL. Expecting
things to turn out perfectly all the time is just not practical, and it is not
real.
I
have learned so many other things you have no idea, haha and it is best to say
that my journey here in Curtin Sarawak has been a very, VERY character-building
one. I've definitely felt like I have been thrown into the deep end, but I
managed anyway :)
So
here it is, the twilight of a life phase, and the most pivotal time of my life
as a confused young adult in their early 20’s. I’m not so sure what the future
holds for life after university, I have to honestly admit that I am absolutely terrified...but
at the same time I am quite excited to see how life would unfold from here on
out. Possibilities are endless!
Here’s
to greener pastures and humble new beginnings.
-Anthea ❤
