A world of grey
Tuesday, July 9, 2013 • 1:31 AM • 0 comments
I have set foot on the grounds of Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. and with fingers crossed that I pass my exams.. I am now officially back for good (hopefully).
You'd think I'd be happy. That it's all finally over. That the moment i've been waiting for in desperation over all these years has finally, FINALLY arrived. I honestly thought I was going to be. Happy and free I mean. But I'm not. Not happy at all. There was no immense feeling of relief and liberation from the chains that bound me to what I thought was a hell hole. Instead all I feel... is numb. grey all around.. white noise blaring in my ears.
My life is on pause.
I am lost.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY BLOODY PLANS ARE, OKAY?
I seriously, honestly do not know what to do. I have dreams but I don't know how to get there. I have dreams but my parents don't validate them. If it were completely up to me and if I could muster up all the courage in the world I would work at Starbucks for several months and fulfill my dream of being a barista and then do a little bit of traveling...then I would go on that work and travel USA program, and then apply for an internship in Singapore.
That's what I would want to do.
But then comes the thought of PLEASING MY PARENTS. I am so sick of living my life for my parents. I know that I am nothing without them, I know that my dad has given me all the financial support in such great abundance that I probably don't even deserve it. I know that you are supposed to honor your father and mother. I know that I should be thankful and BLAH BLAH BLAH...
BUT I JUST CANNOT BLOODY F-ING STAND being controlled and being treated as if I do not have my own life to live, as if I do not have dreams and aspirations of my own, AS IF I DO NOT HAVE A DESTINY AND PURPOSE TO FULFILL. Parents need to understand that children are not PUPPETS. Parents need to understand that children ARE COMPLETELY SEPARATE, STANDALONE ENTITIES AND ARE NOT AN EXTENSION OF THEM. Parents need to understand that ADULT children who are fcuking GENERATIONS apart HAVE DIFFERENT VIEWS, MENTALITIES AND PHILOSOPHIES ON HOW LIFE SHOULD BE LIVED because they've been brought up in a completely different era from their parents. In some, (not all) cases, what parents "know best" may be redundant/obsolete in this day of age because the dynamics of literally almost everything CHANGE AND EVOLVE rapidly through time -- what works 50 years ago does not mean it will work TODAY.
BUT I JUST CANNOT BLOODY F-ING STAND being controlled and being treated as if I do not have my own life to live, as if I do not have dreams and aspirations of my own, AS IF I DO NOT HAVE A DESTINY AND PURPOSE TO FULFILL. Parents need to understand that children are not PUPPETS. Parents need to understand that children ARE COMPLETELY SEPARATE, STANDALONE ENTITIES AND ARE NOT AN EXTENSION OF THEM. Parents need to understand that ADULT children who are fcuking GENERATIONS apart HAVE DIFFERENT VIEWS, MENTALITIES AND PHILOSOPHIES ON HOW LIFE SHOULD BE LIVED because they've been brought up in a completely different era from their parents. In some, (not all) cases, what parents "know best" may be redundant/obsolete in this day of age because the dynamics of literally almost everything CHANGE AND EVOLVE rapidly through time -- what works 50 years ago does not mean it will work TODAY.
Children are not generic creatures where you can simply impose what you think is best for them e.g be a corporate head and make fcuking tonnes of money. Children are specific, unique creatures, with different dreams and inclinations.. why can't you just embrace the fact that YOUR CHILD IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM YOU and is VERY MUCH inclined to the arts, the world of communication & entertainment, and that your child is VERY MUCH likely to do SO MUCH F-ING MUCH BETTER in that world rather than the corporate world?
WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH WHAT SOCIETY THINKS OF YOU?!
WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO REALIZE YOUR UNREALIZED DREAMS WITH YOUR F-ING CHILD??!
WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO REALIZE YOUR UNREALIZED DREAMS WITH YOUR F-ING CHILD??!
IT'S NOT GOING TO BLOODY WORK IT'S AN F-ING LOSE-LOSE SITUATION
(yup, this actually has gotten a wee bit personal hahahaa)
but GRRR. Ugh. I just feel conflicted. angry. SOOOOOOO FCUKING ANGRY. and EXTREMELY infuriated I just wanna fcuking flip a table right now and set a house on fire.
Bikin high blood. SANGAT bikin high blood.
*deep breath*
*cools down*
But above all these crazy emotions, I really am just so lost right now.
I don't know what to do.
Somebody.
Please tell me what to do.
-Anthea ❤
