The World by Anthea

Decisions

Sunday, February 5, 2012 • 3:26 AM • 2 comments

I have never felt so confused in my life.

Trying to reach a decision on whether to just carry on with my current degree or change my major. Both are risky; one makes me feel bitter + unhappy and the other scares me to death.

Changing majors is a petrifying prospect. What if things become way worse than it is now? Am I really that willing to extend another two semesters and graduate late? Be class of 2013 when I have programmed my mind for the longest time that i'd be class of 2012?

Going through the agonizing cycle of goodbyes and homesickness over..and over again? for another 2 semesters?

And then there's society. stuck-up, condescending, domineering society. ugh.

Surely everyone is going to judge and probably say that I am weak because I have "given up" on my current major. that it is such a shame how I am so near to graduating with a Finance degree and then ditched it.

Then there's the money issue. There goes thousands upon thousands of moolah being burned merely to sustain my pursuit of education. Which then exacerbates my already agitating guilt of how it adds the burden to my semi-retired 62-year-old dad.

Bottomline?

I am afraid of making a huge mistake.

Then I think to myself... what is this desperate need for perfection? to never screw up? to succumb to the notions of society? to always stay safe? to always please the people around you?

to never take risks? to always make the right choice?

even at the expense of your own happiness?

I resent the fact that I have been conditioned to never make mistakes, "thanks" to my upbringing. You're only putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

I have never heard "It is okay to make mistakes" when I was growing up. What I heard, literally, was "You shouldn't make any mistakes".

Resent it so much.

I would say it takes courage to both hold on and let go. It takes courage to walk on, it takes courage to go the other way.

If I were to change my major I wouldn't say that I have given up on Finance. I didn't go all the way to my 3rd year in Finance and Marketing for nothing. I tried, and tried, but it really just proves with concrete evidence that Finance just isn't my thing.

It's not because I don't believe I can do it. Deep down I know my capabilities and book smarts are there, I can work hard to get through if I want to, but? I guess I don't want to.

Finance is just not who I am, I do not naturally incline to such field, I am not money-minded enough and I don't perceive it to be worth fighting for.

Staying true to who you are takes courage in a society of conformity where people strive so desperately to blend/fit in.

So maybe I will change major and take Public Relations. Maybe I will finally honor who I truly am -- a person of arts and communication. Maybe I will be able to live day by day not being burdened by pursuing something I loathe with every gut.

Maybe I will finally prove to myself that I am able to go against conformity. and make a difference.

Two roads diverged in a wood and I,

I took the one less traveled by..

and that has made all the difference.

-Anthea ❤