RANDOM RAMBLINGS :)
Monday, September 23, 2013 • 1:15 AM • 0 comments
GAWD, I miss writing. I have been occupied with some stuff lately that I just haven't taken the time to really sit down and write something. SO HERE I AM :)
There are a lot of things I want to write about. But my brain, being as cluttered and scattered as it is, can't for the life of it decide what to write about... seriously man my mind is so messy right now. I've been thinking about a lot of things, about certain aspects of my life..about some people. Yes i've been thinking A LOT. So...
I'm just gonna go with the flow with this. Hahaha. It's been a while since I last made a rambling blog post anyway.
SO, my life as of this moment, is STILL currently on hold. I am still in that transition between university and the workforce. I have chosen/DELIBERATELY DECIDED by MY OWN FREE WILL not to act upon anything now.
It feels like white noise. It feels like a gray canvas. It's quite benumbing, so to speak. And people secretly judge, I am so very well aware of that. I get mixed reactions from people. Some tell me not to worry and just take my time. Some tell me to start doing something. Frickin heck it irritates me like crazy. THIS IS MY LIFE I'M LIVING YOU DO NOT GET TO HAVE A SAY IN HOW I LIVE MY LIFE. and you have no idea how irritating the question "So what's your plan?" is.
Hahah. Sorry. Random outburst of rage right there. Hahahaha.
If you want me to be honest, the truth is I am not ready. But yes, I know. I KNOW. you will never be ready..so they say. THERE WILL NEVER BE A RIGHT TIME, JUST GO FOR IT AND DO SOMETHING NOW..so they say. SOMETIMES YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE..so they say. STOP WASTING TIME... so they say.
But you wanna know what I wanna say?
I AM STILL TRYING TO BLOODY RECOVER.
5 years of doing something you LOATHE, of having been in so much pain, agony, loneliness and dread... I haven't gotten over that. I had to deal with a lot of inner struggle and turmoil, of which many people aren't aware of.. (I keep a lot of things to myself)..so please understand that. I still shudder at the pain of having gone through what I went through in Curtin Sarawak, in almost all aspects of my life.. spiritually, mentally, emotionally. It was a period of my life where I have never ever felt so alone, where I have never felt so deserted. God was next to non-existent to me, that I almost thought he was a joke. That's how far and astray I was. I know I sound dramatic. I didn't think it was that bad when I went through it, but looking back on hindsight as well as comparing it to my life right now, my life in Miri was nothing short of unfulfilling, dreary and dark. Sure there were sunny days, I've had my good times with some of my amazing friends there.. but all in all in a nutshell....I was depressed and unhappy.
That said, it's crazy how I even dreaded coming back home to KK at one point. Haha. I guess I was scared of slipping back into 100% dependency and putting up with my parents, as is the case when you return to your nest (I like the feeling of being able to take care of myself)... but well that's another story for another time!
I'm better now. So, so much better :) My spiritual life is amazing as of this moment! Feel closer to God than ever (it all started from a church camp I attended couple of months back) and I honestly feel like I'm in some sort of rehab hahahaha. I've been mixing around and hanging out with such pleasant and amazing friends who are just so full of love; my best friends from highschool and people from the church community I'm involved in called Lifeline. It has helped so much. I've been a lot happier. I'm so blessed!
I'm definitely recovering and honestly I really need some time to get into the right frame of mind. It's not even an excuse, honestly I swear. Seriously I am quite desperate for a job right now cause I freaking need MOOOLAAAHH $$$$$ (I'M SO FREAKING BROKE I NEED MONEY T_T) but I am just not ready for the workforce yet.
Please let me take my time. Please let me heal.
Well then I think this is quite enough this time around. Wouldn't wanna bore you with anymore of my rants dear reader. But thanks for reading.
TOODLES!
-Anthea ❤
