Ache
Sunday, August 25, 2013 • 2:12 AM • 0 comments
I don't even know why I try to deny my feelings for you, when it is as apparent as can be. when it is you who lingers constantly in my thoughts. when it is you that I so badly want to be next to almost all the time. when it is you that I so terribly miss when I go about my day. So why? Why do I try to deny the obvious fact that you have a foothold in my heart?
I didn't see this coming. You just walked into my life out of nowhere. I didn't want to open up to you....you have no idea how high I built my walls and how I was terrified even just by the prospect of disarming my guard. And I don't know how you did it but you.. oh you. You pried me open, tore down my walls.. you made me push through my issues and insecurities, just to let you in...and now a part of my heart has latched onto you.
That was NOT supposed to happen. Oh what have you done to me.
And you got me the point where I was ready to dive in. So ready.
But YOU...oh you. you are not ready. I didn't know that at first. I thought I was giving you a chance. I thought I was giving MYSELF a chance. But it has been proven, time and time again, that things are not always what they seem. Thank you for being honest though.
And now that I know this thing that is going on between us isn't really leading anywhere, I'm really trying so frickin hard to turn back and get out of the waters. to shut myself out from you emotionally. But it is k i l l i n g me. It is really, really killing me.
Doing the right, rational thing can really hurt sometimes.
And so I'm trying to distance myself from you. I'm only doing this because I don't want to get hurt...any further, or deeper. It really kills. My heart doesn't want to. It really, really doesn't. It's crying, screaming, kicking, legs flailing in the air... in protest. But my rational mind knows better, my mind knows that even though doing this feels heartbreaking, I really am mending, saving and protecting my heart. I have to do this.
A part of me is SO FRICKIN' PISSED OFF that you even allowed this to happen in the very first place. You're obviously not over her.. AND YOU KNOW you're not ready to let someone new in your heart. SO WHY DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE?? WHY? Just so you don't feel lonely and miserable? Just so you can fill that void in your heart? Just so you can CARE for somebody without having to commit to anything serious?
Why don't you learn how to live a true, authentic SINGLE life...where you do not text a girl practically 24/7 asking about their minuscule activities/whereabouts of the day. Where you do not be concerned + caring towards her more than an actual platonic guy friend would.. I dare you. True singletons don't do any of these. Singletons lean on themselves and fend for no one but themselves. I know, cause i've been one for many years now.
You can't leave me hanging here. Waiting for nothing. It's not fair. Especially to my heart. Since I know this is obviously getting nowhere, cutting you loose would be my safest bet.
Unless you change your mind, then that would be an entirely different story. But I know you most probably won't....
So I deny, and deny. Even though it kills me.
I do not have feelings for you.
-Anthea ❤
