I am afraid to love
Tuesday, August 21, 2012 • 12:06 PM • 2 comments
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There is something enigmatic and inexplicable, yet so intricately beautiful about two hearts from two completely different worlds joining together...consuming, burning a flame so deep that almost nothing else in the world matters. It is what everyone yearns for, it is what everyone ultimately needs. The reason to carry on, the reason to stay alive...
To love and be loved in return.
There is rarely anything
else more fulfilling than that. The reciprocation of feelings, appreciation and
care, the reciprocation of this crazy thing called love. The knowing that somebody loves you despite
everything that gets in the way, the knowing that at the end of a rough day,
there is somebody at home waiting for you who would wrap you in their warm
tender loving embrace and would whisper gently, “It’s okay sweetie. I’m here”.
You have a sanctuary. A unique world together you call your own, and no one can touch you there. It is a beautiful
and wonderful thing. It makes everything seem worthwhile.
Then why am I afraid of it?
Perhaps I am afraid that
I would be incapable of loving or that I wouldn’t have enough love to give. Perhaps
I am terrified that letting you in would change my life drastically, or that
with you in my world I will lose myself. Maybe it is because my mind is
subconsciously holding on to the notion that these things don’t last, or maybe
it is because I am held back by the idea that I’m probably missing out on
somebody whom I could love better.
Could it be because I am
not ready for committment? But then when will I ever be? Could it be because I
am afraid of hurting and being hurt? Or could it be because I am somehow
convinced that I am not up to par with your expectations?
But maybe it is because I
am incapable of breaking down my seemingly impenetrable walls, no matter how hard I try to let go and
simply let you in, no matter how much I so badly want you in my life.
Because I am terrified by
the idea of you seeing the nakedness of my soul – my imperfections, my wounds, my
scars, my brokenness.
Because I am petrified
that the revelation of who I really am would disappoint you and drive you away.
Then you will decide not to love me, & I would be left with nothing else,
but my imperfections, my wounds, my scars & my brokenness.
-Anthea ❤
